Pain

Yup, you guessed it, like usual, pain is on my mind. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my rape and physical assault from last New Year's Eve, 2009. And yup, those are pics from the attack, and that's just the left and right sides of my face. I had cuts all over my entire body. Anytime I didn't do what he wanted, he cut me. If I didn't move fast enough, he cut me. If I didn't make noise for him, he cut me (that's actually how I got most of them, I refused to make noise because I didn't want to wake my child sleeping in the next room, gods forbid if she had drawn his attention). I have everything documented, as did the police and the rape crisis center, pictures included, rape kit done, the whole 9 yards... for all the good it did me. The bastard's still out there and I have no idea where or who he is. I'd know him if I saw him, but I pray I never do, I don't think I'm emotionally strong enough to handle a confrontation with him.
Been finally letting my hair grow back out, chopped it all totally off after the rape because he used my ponytail like a handle, dragging me around by it and using it to direct my head and body to where he wanted them. I had well-meaning friends tell me that if it hadn't been my hair it would have been something else, like an arm... and would I have cut my arm off? But they didn't get it. That urge just would NOT go away until the hair was gone. It's back again this year, only this time the urge is to shave it all off, to try and make myself as ugly, tainted, bad and dirty on the outside as I feel on the inside, and that having a shaved head as a female is a step towards that.
I'm so tired of being broken. Of blaming myself for events out of my control. Of hating the way I look, hating being so super fat even though the excess weight makes me feel safe, because no one wants the fat chicks, right? Of hating myself.

Frustration

Something inside of me is broken. I've accepted that, made a tentative peace with it even. I think the break stems from when I was first raped at 16, still a virgin, I think that messed with how I see sex and sexual activities, liking things that are a far cry from "normal". I like, no let's be honest here, I LOVE rough sex, pain, being dominated, held down, tied up, whipped, spanked, bruised, forced to give oral sex, hair pulled, cut with knives, I just flat out love it hard, rough, wild and painful. All of my fantasies involve dominance, of myself being forced to submit to another. Most of my fantasies involve rape, be it one on one, 3 people or gang banged. I try to push those urges, those desires deep within myself, willing them to go away, to let me live a "normal, healthy" sexual life with my husband but lately it's not working. I push the urges down as deep as I can get them to go, and they just keep popping straight back up to the surface, screaming for my attention, demanding to be met. I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried looking online for a Dom who is willing to work with both of us, to teach my husband the little bit that he's willing and capable of learning, but it doesn't come naturally to him. I've accepted that, though it was a struggle, that he will never be a true Top to my bottom, but now I don't know what to do. No one wants to take on a trainee like that. Some of it is our location, there just aren't many kinky men in the south looking for submissive women. As I'm not much in the looks department, I can't be choosy either, I have to take what I can get, but I'm not getting anything at all. I think that if I went to my husband and explained what I'm feeling, he would reluctantly allow me to seek out a Top on my own, for just me, to meet those burning needs. But at what cost, to him, to us, would it be worth the fallout that would ensue? I don't know. I can continue to try and block out the urges, continue to deny them, but at what cost to me? Will I just explode some other way, release all that frustration where it doesn't belong? Or will I stop responding to my husband sexually, some of that has already happened, I have to have my eyes closed, so I can fantasize in order to even get aroused most days. At this point I just don't know what to do. For now I think I will continue to repress my needs and desires, but I will also change my online ads to reflect that only I am seeking a Dom now, but with my husband's permission, see if I can get any responses that way instead of seeking a Dom as a couple.

Stuck on what happened New Year's Eve

My rape and assault have been on my mind alot. There are immense feelings of guilt, of shame. My panic attacks and anxiety levels have been at super all time highs lately.

Intellectually I know that I did nothing wrong. But emotionally is a whole different story. Society, and especially police officers, still place blame with the victim because I didn't fight back, or I didn't scream (my child was asleep in the other room and I did NOT want his attention to go anywhere near her), I just took the cuts (he had a knife), the blows to the head (I had a concussion and they thought he had broken my eye socket.. he didn't but it looked that bad). I didn't report it immediately after it happened (I was unconscious, when I woke up several hours later when my husband came home from work, he called the police). But because I had been drinking earlier that evening (by myself once my child was in bed), I must just have been drunk and had consensual rough sex with this man I did not know and called the cops now because I need a cover story so my husband won't be mad at me. Yes, that's actually what the detective told me. So yeah... I don't trust cops at all anymore. I did everything I was "supposed" to, I called them, gave a report, went to the hospital, had a rape kit done, the whole nine yards only to have them just never do anything with it because I wanted it. This all happened New Year's Eve 2009, so just this past January. I've been in therapy before for rape, because I was raped when I was in high school, and I've been trying to use the tools she gave me then for now, because with no health insurance I can't get any therapy so I haven't fully dealt with what happened to me. To add to it, I ended up getting pregnant from my rape. I later miscarried that baby. I have not processed the pain and emotional fallout from those either, the rape, the beating, the pregnancy or the miscarriage. I know I need someone to talk to but I have nowhere to turn.

PTSD meets the inner pain slut

So, my brain has been on emotional see-saws for a few weeks now. Part of it is the immense amount of stress currently in my life. Part of it is panic attacks and super high anxiety levels caused by flashbacks from my rape and assault on New Year's Eve. How do I balance the don't touch me, don't look at me, don't even think sexual thoughts about me that my PTSD produces with my equally immense cravings to be thoroughly and deeply submissive to a sadist Dom (who I have yet to find a replacement for)? One minute I don't want anyone male even in the room with me. The next minute I want several men in the room with me, whipping me, beating me and screwing my brains out. The two very strong urges are SO not playing nicely together. If I had money, or health insurance, I could get therapy and deal with all the fallout from my NYE assault and thus then be free to let my inner masochistic submissive seek all the pain and sex she can find, but I don't. Or, I can shove the PTSD and fallout that I haven't dealt with in a very deep box with really big locks inside my mind, and let the submissive play... but that path has serious emotional and mental side effects after-wards as I know from experience. So neither side gets treated or satisfied, and my anxiety soars high, my panic attacks become more frequent and my masochistic urges get deeper, darker and far more violent. It doesn't help that at the moment I don't even have a handy sadist to help me out, though not for lack of trying on my part. I've looked high and low, but apparently there's not a sadist, Top or even anyone into rough sex to be found here in the south. Too many southern gentlemen I guess. Who knew that BDSM was not something I would be able to find when I moved here?