Frustration

Something inside of me is broken. I've accepted that, made a tentative peace with it even. I think the break stems from when I was first raped at 16, still a virgin, I think that messed with how I see sex and sexual activities, liking things that are a far cry from "normal". I like, no let's be honest here, I LOVE rough sex, pain, being dominated, held down, tied up, whipped, spanked, bruised, forced to give oral sex, hair pulled, cut with knives, I just flat out love it hard, rough, wild and painful. All of my fantasies involve dominance, of myself being forced to submit to another. Most of my fantasies involve rape, be it one on one, 3 people or gang banged. I try to push those urges, those desires deep within myself, willing them to go away, to let me live a "normal, healthy" sexual life with my husband but lately it's not working. I push the urges down as deep as I can get them to go, and they just keep popping straight back up to the surface, screaming for my attention, demanding to be met. I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried looking online for a Dom who is willing to work with both of us, to teach my husband the little bit that he's willing and capable of learning, but it doesn't come naturally to him. I've accepted that, though it was a struggle, that he will never be a true Top to my bottom, but now I don't know what to do. No one wants to take on a trainee like that. Some of it is our location, there just aren't many kinky men in the south looking for submissive women. As I'm not much in the looks department, I can't be choosy either, I have to take what I can get, but I'm not getting anything at all. I think that if I went to my husband and explained what I'm feeling, he would reluctantly allow me to seek out a Top on my own, for just me, to meet those burning needs. But at what cost, to him, to us, would it be worth the fallout that would ensue? I don't know. I can continue to try and block out the urges, continue to deny them, but at what cost to me? Will I just explode some other way, release all that frustration where it doesn't belong? Or will I stop responding to my husband sexually, some of that has already happened, I have to have my eyes closed, so I can fantasize in order to even get aroused most days. At this point I just don't know what to do. For now I think I will continue to repress my needs and desires, but I will also change my online ads to reflect that only I am seeking a Dom now, but with my husband's permission, see if I can get any responses that way instead of seeking a Dom as a couple.