So, my brain has been on emotional see-saws for a few weeks now. Part of it is the immense amount of stress currently in my life. Part of it is panic attacks and super high anxiety levels caused by flashbacks from my rape and assault on New Year's Eve. How do I balance the don't touch me, don't look at me, don't even think sexual thoughts about me that my PTSD produces with my equally immense cravings to be thoroughly and deeply submissive to a sadist Dom (who I have yet to find a replacement for)? One minute I don't want anyone male even in the room with me. The next minute I want several men in the room with me, whipping me, beating me and screwing my brains out. The two very strong urges are SO not playing nicely together. If I had money, or health insurance, I could get therapy and deal with all the fallout from my NYE assault and thus then be free to let my inner masochistic submissive seek all the pain and sex she can find, but I don't. Or, I can shove the PTSD and fallout that I haven't dealt with in a very deep box with really big locks inside my mind, and let the submissive play... but that path has serious emotional and mental side effects after-wards as I know from experience. So neither side gets treated or satisfied, and my anxiety soars high, my panic attacks become more frequent and my masochistic urges get deeper, darker and far more violent. It doesn't help that at the moment I don't even have a handy sadist to help me out, though not for lack of trying on my part. I've looked high and low, but apparently there's not a sadist, Top or even anyone into rough sex to be found here in the south. Too many southern gentlemen I guess. Who knew that BDSM was not something I would be able to find when I moved here?
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